Wednesday, February 22, 2006

ALBERTO REPOSSI IS A BIG MOUTH

Thanks a heap, "friend" of my Dad. Nice job flapping your gums and getting your name in the papers.

Listen to this crap:
Alberto Repossi, who designed late British royal Diana, Princess of Wales' engagement ring, has confessed Pitt has commissioned him to craft something special.

He tells America's In Touch magazine: "We've received an assignment on behalf of Mr Pitt for a very special jewel. You must understand that I cannot give you more details."
Yeah, I understand that you deserve a swift kick in the gonads for being such a blabbermouth. Stick around until late spring, buddy, and prepare an ice pack.

FOUR MEMES, MY ASS

Snarling Marmot? Never met the woman. Swear to God. But she claims she knows My Bad Ass, and thus tagged Me to answer her goddamned questions. Like I got nothing better to do than kick back and ponder the beauty of My Life while ensconced in Angelina's womb.

But what the hell. I'm feeling magnanimous. Here you go, Marmot Baby. When I get outta this place I'm visiting the grandparental units in Springfield and buying you a Pizza House pizza.

1. Four Jobs I’ve Had
•Sperm
•Egg
•Blastocyst
•Fetus

2. Four movies I could watch over and over
•"Pam & Tommy Lee"
•"Legends of the Fall"
•"12 Monkeys"
•Anything with Snoop Dogg.

3. Four places I’ve lived
•Springfield, MO
•Southern California
•Vas Deferens
•Fallopian Tube

4. Four TV shows I love
•The Simpsons
•Futurama
•Fairly Oddparents
•Drawn Together

5. Four places I’ve vacationed
•New York
•London
•Paris
•Munich

6. Four of my favorite dishes
•Embryonic fluid
•Ice cream
•Cashew chicken
•Pizza House pizza

7. Four sites I visit daily
•Radiohead
•United Nations
•Chatter
•National Enquirer

8. Four places I’d rather be right now
•Nowhere
•Because I'm In
•Angelina Jolie's
•Womb

9. Four books I love
•Homeboy
•Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas
•The Bible
•The Martian Chronicles

10. Four video games I could play over and over
Absolutely outrageous of you to ask such personal information! I ought to kick your goddamned ass, you jackals!

Jesus. I don't crack outta here until late April and already I'm plotting revenge against the paparazzi. Somebody get me a gin-and-tonic.

Monday, January 23, 2006

SUCK ON THESE

Like "chew on this," only better.

Check it: Some dude at a place called In The Mailbox actually has the balls to ask what I think about breast-feeding. Probably wishes he was me -- just like every other straight man on the freaking planet, baby -- 'cause in a few months I'm going to have my lips on Angelina Jolie's breasts. Heh.

(If Mom & Dad have the typical relationship, once I come along that'll be the last time Bradboy gets to suckle. Double heh.)

FYI, MoJoe at In The Mailbox -- they're 36Cs and they're magnificent. Though it's kinda hard to suss that out while I'm inside the Sacred Womb. Lemme tell you, it's the Cadillac o' wombs, the best damned kicking-back space on the terra firma. And speaking of firma, did I tell you that Mom's packing some firm-ass 36Cs? LIke I like to say, the more firma, the less terra.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

I DESERVE A BILLION GOOGLE HITS

There are 26.8 million hits when you Google the old man's name.

Mom gets 25.9 million hits when you Google her ass, meaning her name, but you know what I mean so quit playing coy, you bastard. And don't even think about talking smack about my Mom's unbelievably great breasts, unless you want a Size 0 foot up your ass.

Maddox and Zahara -- the rugrats Mom adopted before she got knocked up -- got the Jolie-Pitt last name today, which was fine, kinda. Just so long as they don't think they're the Anointed One, 'cause that would be me, the only one who carries the genetic splendor of Brad and Angie.

What's that? You wanna call them "Brangelina"? You think that's cute? It's old, that's what it is. Old and tired and used-up, like Jennifer Lopez. Or that chick with the hair from Friends -- what was her name, anyway?

Well spank my ass and call me naughty. Did I actually say that?

BEST-LOOKING FETUS ON EARTH

Say it and mean it, 'cause it's true. My Daddy's Brad Pitt, my Mama's Angelina Jolie. He's from a podunk town in Missouri called Springfield. She's from some other planet where wombs are abnormally hot.

I am the future of humankind, for I am the offspring of two freakishly hot people.